Fat

I've got a dear friend coming over today and we're both a bit down in the dumps, so I thought I'd take it up a notch and weigh myself.  And I was right- the jeans haven't shrunk; I've crept back over the Xstone mark.

So I still have a stone to lose (two if I'm honest, but one would do very nicely thank you).

Here are my excuses/whinges:

I haven't had a full night's sleep for 5 months, in fact I haven't had more than 4 hours' continuous sleep in that time- it's usually 2 and at the moment I'm lucky and getting 3.  When I get up, therefore, I feel beyond tired, I feel like I'm running on empty and desperately need fuel to get through the day.

I tried cutting back and immediately felt even more dizzy than I do normally, which alarms me, since I'm in charge of a person all day.

I'm still b-feeding.  That might make a difference?

Whenever I can, I go for long walks, 3 miles or so.  Then it snows again and scuppers it, or at best pours down with rain, which is not particularly conducive to pushing a pram about.

Did I mention that I'm REALLY tired?  I'm also stressed- there's a lot going on: the house, jobs, car trouble, basically every aspect of my 'life' is out of my control, very expensive and very stressful. 

Here is my motivation:

I have a friend coming over to the UK in July who I haven't seen for years and years.  She used to be a big girl, but now has 4 children and has started running a lot of marathons, so she's now stick thin and muscly.  I don't want to be a blob when we meet and there's 3 months between now and then.

I threw out a ton of clothes that I love last night- I was really upset to do so, but more upset to find they don't go anywhere near me.  Clearly, hanging on to them for when I'm thin again hasn't worked, and I don't like buying fat clothes, so it's this one pair of stretch jeans until the situation improves.  I couldn't bear to throw out one top which took ages to knit, so I hope that might motivate me as well. It's this one- not the best photo, but behold waist.  And I've just discovered you can copy and paste on this thing...



Half the clothes I slung out were awful- they did for the office as I wasn't seen, but not how I want to be seen by new employers/collegues.  Most of the skirts were just there because they went round me, which is not good enough!

I don't think I eat vast amounts of things, just that they tend to be fatty, like cheese and salami to fill me up quickly, and I have to grab a bit when I can, so a sandwich or toast is quickest.  And food never seems to fill me up.  And other than making a decision to go out for a walk, including baby preparation time of half an hour, I don't really move around- I'm sitting with my eyes on her or sitting feeding her, or standing changing her, but as I can't let her out of my sight, there's no option for running around, other than getting dinner ready in 10 seconds flat.

I wish I had a plan, but if I lost a pound a week I'd be a stone lighter and a size smaller in time for friend's arrival, but even if I lost half that, I'd fit my one pair of jeans and not hang over the top of them, and definitely look better than I do now.

So- inconclusive.